If there was such a word as non-selfcare and there was a photo to accompany it, it would be a picture of me! I’ll be the first to say that on the first side of my dash, self-care was not even an option. And it is that way for many of us—on either side of our dash. As women, we go to college (or not), get married, have children (not necessarily in that order) and before we know it, we are taking care of our children, our children’s children and our parents. And through it all, we have sickened ourselves with ailments such as diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, mental illness, stress, and other indispositions. What is going on?
Well, in a perfect world, women are expected to be Wonder Women, and at the same time, be okay with it. When I say okay, I mean, accepting, expected, the way it is. When the truth is, it is killing us.
For me, I grew up seeing my mother endure a life-long lung disease, hip replacements and other sicknesses, before ultimately dying from cancer when I was thirty years old. Even seeing her this way, or even seeing my grandmother with asthma and diabetes, I was never taught about self-care, nor did it even occur to me to start taking care of myself before I ended up like the women before me, the ones who had lead my family. I had always been a thin girl; often teased about it, but I was okay with it and figured I would stay that way all my life. And because of it, I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, with no thought to consequence.
Even through the birth of my children, I gained a few baby pounds, but managed to stay pretty small. I can tell you I cannot blame the weight I have now on birthing babies, because after the birth of both my children, I remained under the “fat” threshold. But then something happened. The stress of my first marriage, and divorce, packed on the pounds and eventually the sickness. It was all downhill after that. On the first side of my dash, I endured two mild heart attacks, a stroke, was diagnosed with diabetes, fibromyalgia, arthritis, anemia, and high cholesterol. And to add insult to injury, I developed large tumors on my uterus. (Visit my YouTube channel where I talk more about this ongoing epidemic). Through it all, I endured divorce, and being a single mother trying to raise two children while working two jobs and running my own business. There was no familial support, and I was too prideful to ask for it elsewhere.
Today, on the other side of my dash, I am remarried and legal guardian to my eleven-year-old granddaughter whom I have raised since she was three—not to mention the stress I had allowed from my own children. I saw things start to change for me in my late forties. I stopped caring what others thought about me. I felt that if I wasn’t sleeping with them or if I could not claim them on my taxes, how they felt or what people said about me, had no bearing on my life.
Something miraculous happened when I hit that mid-century mark, I finally realized and understood that I mattered. I grasped that all these other people, and other things would be here long after I leave this earth, and for once I wanted to live. I was more concerned about me. In the past, when I heard people say they were concerned about themselves, working on themselves, and taking time for themselves, I thought it selfish. It took a lot for me to understand what many meant by self-care.
I told you a little of my backstory to show you how we, as women, tend to neglect ourselves while taking care of everyone else, more concerned with other’s well-being. I am all for caring for others, but at the same time, mothers, I am here to tell you, if you’re not properly taking care of yourselves, you will not be here to raise your children. Wives, if you don’t some time for yourself, you’ll end up divorced, or having thoughts of smothering your mate with a pillow. That might be a little dramatic, but it is not too farfetched, it is on the news every day.
So, what does self-care look like for me now that I am on the other side of my dash? It looks like less stress, saying no, establishing boundaries, making the family cook for themselves, letting the laundry pile up on occasion, and stop trying to be a maid to well-bodied and well-abled folks. It looks like a hot bubble bath, a walk in nature, spending time in God’s word, buying sexy underwear, having a glass of wine, reading a good book, quiet time alone, and learning how to ignore people when they ask you things they already know the answer to, or when they are very capable of doing things themselves.
If you are a person who has struggled with self-care and you are not in the best condition, I can guarantee that if you look back on your life, stress had a strong presence. Stress was my sin. I had to be everything to everyone but myself. Everything had to be perfect, and I always had to be prim and proper. This led to stress, and if you think about stress, in whatever form, led to just about every negative thing in your life.
It’s funny, I recently spoke to one of my mentees and she informed me that she had been invited to an all-girl’s trip to a tropical destination. I asked her when she was leaving, and she said she had declined the invitation. It was not about money. After talking to her about all the reasons she couldn’t leave her children (9 and 16) and how her husband wouldn’t last a minute without her, I realized that she was her own worst enemy. She gave many excuses as to why she couldn’t or wouldn’t practice self-care, I called her husband and informed him that his wife would taking a vacation and that he would be left to vie for the children and himself for an entire week. To my surprise, he told me that he had been trying to get his wife to take a trip for years. After hearing this, I made my mentee call her girlfriends, rescind the decline and then we went online, in my office, and booked her trip.
Do you know what happened? During our next meeting, she sang like a child, telling me all the things she had seen and done; things she had not been able to do or see before. She had never had lobster, not because she could not afford it, but because something in her psyche told her that she could spend that money on her family in other ways. She went on to tell me that she and her husband are now more like teenagers, with regular date nights and regular sex, and as for those children, they survived during her absence. They all realized how much they had been taking her for granted, and more importantly, she realized how much she had allowed this destructive behavior to get so out of hand. I am proud to report that she is finding more time for things such as massages, mani-pedi time, reading, exercising and other joys.
Do yourself a favor, take care of yourself. No one is asking you to live beyond your means, in fact, it really does not take money to take care of yourself. Start working out, go for a walk, join a marathon, start eating healthy. Start filing and painting those raggedy fingernails, start making sure your skin is moisturized, take care of your hair. Most importantly take care of your spiritual and mental well-being. Delve into God’s word and ask for direction. Not only will He direct you, but he will provide you with any resource you need to navigate your journey. Protect your mental health. We as women, especially black women, are expected to be strong in all aspects of our lives, but silent when it comes to things that can make us sick. Stop that! Seek out help. If you cannot talk to a friend or family member, talk to someone in your church, or seek a professional therapist, counselor or psychiatrist, someone who has nothing to gain by telling you what you NEED to hear and not what you want to, or what they want you to hear.
Some people like lists, and there is nothing wrong with that. Below, I have listed 15 things you can do to practice self-care:
- Dive into God’s Word. This may be a cure-all for the other 14 items on this list.
- Say NO and set boundaries. This has so much power.
- Make an appointment with your doctor. Get a physical. Get the facts, then make a plan.
- Stay away from drama in any form. Think before you say or do it. Avoid conflict.
- Talk to someone. I recommend a professional. Those who have enabled you to neglect yourself may not give the best advice for taking care of yourself.
- Work on a goal that is important to you. Prioritize your day and keep a planner.
- Do something that you’ve always wanted to do. Take a new cooking class, take up painting, start a new business.
- Listen to music or read a good book.
- Spend quiet time alone.
- Go on a shopping expedition. Buy something just for yourself if the budget will allow.
- Take yourself out to a nice dinner. Try a new restaurant and something you have never tried before.
- Get your sexy back. Work on your self-confidence. Buy a new sexy bra set. Hold your head up!
- Pamper yourself. Get a massage, or a mani-pedi. If you can afford it, go to the hairdresser, and try the latest hair style.
- Make your family eat leftovers. It’s not going to kill them, and it will save money.
- Give your children more responsibility. They will be alright. Besides it builds character.
Start taking care of yourself. We are now on the other side of our dash and there is no turning back. We are getting closer to our end date, and now is the time to do it OUR WAY.
